Hi, I’m Holly, and every day of my life I struggle with negativity.
For as long as I can remember, even before I got sick, I’ve been more than just a glass half empty person. I’ve been the type of person who worries about leaving the glass somewhere it could tip over and spill, or even worse, fall off the table and break, and then not only would I have broken glass to deal with, I’d probably stand in it with bare feet, get tetanus and DIE!!!
Yeah. I think you get the picture.
Obviously, this type of personality doesn’t lend itself to dealing particularly well with a serious illness with an unpredictable prognosis. I am simply not one of those people who is naturally able to take everything in stride, never stops smiling, and lives their life determined to make the best of things. I know some of those people, and I admire them hugely, but I’m not one of them. Instead, I am A Worrier.
I wish I wasn’t, but in reality I struggle every day with fear, anxiety and negative thinking. If there’s something to worry about, anything at all, I will find it and gravitate towards it. This happens regardless of how much of a stretch it might be, and how illogical it might seem. I have good friends who I talk to about this, but ultimately there’s only so much unloading that it’s fair to do. They all have their own lives and things to deal with.
A psychologist has also helped. The one I see is absolutely brilliant, and has specific knowledge of issues faced by people with kidney disease and transplants, including anxiety, but I still can’t shake the feeling that by now I should be more resilient. I should have made more headway into dealing with this. I should have figured out how I’m going to live the rest of my life with chronic illness as part of me.
There has to be a reason I haven’t given up entirely. A reason why I’m trying to continue a normal life, why I’m not stuck wishing I could do more but too scared to in case I was too sick.
I think this is why. For me, it’s not hope of one day being cured, or even of getting a transplant call; it’s hope that eventually, one day at a time (or even one HOUR, in some cases!), I’ll have more good days than bad.